I have been experiencing very difficult days. I believe I am going through the greatest test of my initiated journey. I can feel the pain that deception has caused in you. Some of you have had your trust broken, and this caused a great shaking for many people; for some, a madness of shadows and light.
I went to look for my responsibility in all of this. Everything that happened made me identify aspects within myself that needed to be aligned. I am human and imperfect like everyone and I need to integrate aspects that were still hidden. It was difficult to look at the marks of my personality that were acting and that created an opening for this shadow that manifested and is still manifesting. And I am continuing with this study.
Many want to understand what happened with me. For this, I need to open my heart and speak about my intimacy. I was always reserved about my personal process, and now I’m being required to expose details of my personal development process to the world.
But it’s ok; let’s go.
My awakening in 2002 was genuine. But one’s awakening is a continual process. The mission that was given to me presented many challenges. I was tested innumerable times. And in the first phase of my process, from 2002 to 2010, I came to understand that I was wrong to have BELIEVED in certain moments that my awakening was an EVERLASTING AND UNSHAKABLE EVENT, ABLE TO MAKE ME IMMUNE TO THE TRICKS AND TRAPS OF THE EGO THAT ARE A PART OF HUMAN NATURE.
I CAME TO UNDERSTAND THAT BEING A MASTER DOESN’T MEAN THAT I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING THAT IS SUBJECTED TO MAKING MISTAKES. IN GENERAL, WE HOPE THAT MASTERS DON’T FAIL, BUT THIS IS AN EXPECTATION--ONE THAT I NOW UNDERSTAND AND THAT I ENDED UP FEEDING.
I made the mistake of believing, at that time, that I had transcended sexuality. When Maya tested me, I didn’t pass the test. At the same time, Maharaji was counting on me, pushing me to develop myself and serve the purpose of the Sachcha mission, even though I still had imperfections. His game was to guide people towards Bramacharya, and he guided me in this direction too. I was still not prepared. Sometimes I felt complete and sometimes I didn’t. I was a medium who received Sachcha. Sometimes I was a teacher, not a master. The transmission came through me; this transmission where the message of Sachaha came through me was real, despite my imperfections. At the same time, Maharaji continued to invest in me. He said that I was a spiritual man and completing the process was just a matter of time.
But between 2008 and 2010, the learning was more of a challenge. I became distracted, and in this distraction, I became involved in a romantic relationship. Maya got ahold of me. And from a height in my process like this, when I open a door for the lower self to act, the damage can be quite great. With practically a whole life spent working with the shadow, of course, I would not be spared if I left some part of it down in the basement.
I have identified aspects of my personality that needed to be purified: A layer of my idealized self-attached to marks of pain from my inner child. So my friend, understand that I have a personality which is a vehicle to move me through the world. Look, I too have a history and pain. And my personality acted there.
I am not going to go into the details of the sexual experiences that I had, because there’s no reason for you to know about that. This is something that can be resolved amongst those involved. That said, I would like to take a moment to clarify a few rumors. So, to be clear: I don’t have a son or daughter except for Nuyth. And there were two cases, no more. One of these was a one-time experience and the other went on for about two years. It was a loving relationship for me and it was more than ten years ago.
But it’s a fact that when this story came to light now, a great number of fantasies, lies, exaggerations, and distortions began to circulate through social and other media. I confess that I didn’t deal with this well. All of this was really strong for me. I was questioned, and I didn’t tell the whole story to everyone who asked me, and because of this, I was seen as a liar by some. I was faced with the values of honesty and self-responsibility.
The fact is that I should not have involved myself with these two disciples. This is a fact. I regret it tremendously. I learned this lesson.
From 2010 until now, I have indeed been a Bramachari. I made the mistake of using the term “celibate” in a TV interview. I wanted to make it easier to understand and I complicated it. In another, more recent communication, I didn’t even need to talk about my tantric meditations with my Shakti, but I wanted to talk about it in order to be 100% transparent. But tantric meditations don’t oppose Bramacharya. I have said in different talks and even in my book, “Love and Be Free,” that sexuality is imminently sacred and it doesn’t oppose spirituality. Bramacharya is a blossoming wherein the energy is directed to God, but there is not any repression; I am free. I can even have sex if I want to. This doesn’t affect my consciousness at all. In my case, I choose to go without sex because my energy naturally rises and is directed into spiritual service. But if necessary, I can do tantric practices with my spiritual partner. And it’s simply by choice that I haven’t spoken about my spiritual partner or publicized this. In India this is public; everyone knows that Lileshvari is my spiritual partner and here it’s merely an issue of having space to talk about it.
I can see that there is still a lot of misunderstanding around this topic. But in my talks and in my book, this is very clear. When it is possible to start a new phase in our work, I will be more attentive to the use of these words that can generate confusion. Perhaps I can start saying that yes, I am a modern tantric master. I never advocated for sexual repression, you know that. I never advocated for poverty. I don’t advocate for dependence on the master. All of my teachings were always aimed at bringing you to freedom. And at this time, you are also free to follow what your heart wants; may it bring you where you want to go. I respect and welcome your decision.
My talks are very clear. I am always repeating, innumerable times, that the focus is on spontaneity, on being natural, on bringing back one’s natural talents, on the remembrance of oneself.
How many times have you heard me say that God acts through each one of us; that the presence is God? Know yourself and you shall know the Universe.
So, my beloved friend, forgive me for all this madness and confusion.
But through this, I am going through a great re-evaluation. I am re-evaluating my choices, the way I’ve been working...I feel that it’s time for a shift, for a change. It’s true that a cycle has finished. The second cycle, which started in 2010, finishes here. I am going to shake things a little in this cycle and to the extent that it’s possible, I’ll be sharing my main insights with you in the form of texts like this.
I want to be able to speak about my errors and my successes; about what worked and what didn’t work; to share with you how it was my time to make self-knowledge a popular topic in the world, generating so much buzz and so much judgment and so many ideas. I want to tell you about the challenges that I experienced. I want to share what was beautiful about all of this with you, as well as what was not beautiful but became a lesson.
I go on believing in a better world, in a more loving world, and this is only possible if self-knowledge takes place on a large scale. I continue to affirm this. This is the only way that we can change old patterns and stop responding to evil with even greater evil. To look at the pleasure in suffering, at the war and the destructivity head-on so we can make new choices and create a true culture of peace, which starts with the change in each one of us. And so now I’m looking for this change inside of me, I am looking for this inside of me, looking to see what destructivity I still have here inside of me.
This time of shaking will also be for me to let my body rest, to do austerities, to refuel, to deepen in my study and prepare myself for a new cycle. I still don’t know how it will be or when it will be. Until then, I’m going to write about this Parivartan, about this planetary transition that started for me, on the personal level for the collective.
I also want to write about this phenomenon of polarization that was created around me--practically a war on the internet. Some people left because they feel betrayed by me. I want to speak about me. About my work. About the challenges I am facing so that it can help you.
I think that it could be a good thing to share these reflections in chapters. I am also thinking about opening a deep study around the distortions of the feminine and the masculine. This can bring a lot of healing for everyone.
I also want to be very clear, one more time, that I am human. I am human, my beloved friend, I am human. I have physical and emotional needs like everyone else I have imperfections. But I am also a master, I can’t deny it. I know the path and because of this, I can guide the way. I’m not the one who called myself “master”; my Master put me here. And I’m in his service. Just as it’s written in the Vedas: When I remember who I am, I’m him. When I don’t know who I am, I am your servant, and this is how I live. It was always this way! I have told you many times about giving a new meaning to spiritual illumination. I have said many times: Don’t worry about this, just worry about loving. Worry about loving and the earth and all of her children, and you will be free.
This is what I’m living, this is my experience, and it’s this that I am teaching you.
So my beloved, whenever possible I’m going to want to get together with those who want to continue on with me, even though this realization of information about who I am and the human that is in me, for a moment of closeness and connection.
And to these people, I say: Stay firm in your sadhana and in your studies, as I guided you before, in the way that I taught you, continue on. This is a moment when the Gurumantra is stronger than ever, stronger than ever! And soon you will understand this, if you still do not. And mainly, firm yourself in your experience, in everything that you have lived through, and hold this time we have had together in your heart. It was a beautiful cycle, with great victories for many! We transformed a lot of pain into forgiveness, a lot of poison into nectar, unlove into compassion. We removed many layers that were covering the heart.
I have faith that we are going to pass through this test on the journey and soon we will understand all the personal and collective lessons that this moment brought us, because this is how this School works.
Receive my love, my gratitude for the rain of generosity and friendship on these most difficult days. I received many prayers and a lot of love from a lot of people, and I continue to receive it. And I want to thank all of you. And in particular, I want to ask forgiveness for the suffering that you experienced because of me, because of this shake that arrived to us through me.
I pray that all of this transforms into learning and freedom.
I surrender to God the seeds of love that I helped you plant. I pray that you water them with love.
I also pray for the day that you can sing with me,
“What does the suffering matter to me, Which brings me unlove, If with it I learn, What is the true love.”
